Can't stop thinking about your ex?

Why your ex keeps coming back to mind

A relationship leaves habits all over your day. You'd text them the funny thing a colleague said, and you'd call on the walk home. When it ends, those habits keep firing for a while, the way your hand still reaches for the light switch in the old spot months after a move.

Often the thoughts circle what's unfinished: the conversation you never got to have, or what the ending says about you. Those are the ones that repeat, because nothing closes them.

They're loudest when your hands are free, lying in bed or on a long train ride. That's normal, and it doesn't mean you're back at the start.

Why telling yourself to stop makes it worse

Try not to think of a white bear and you'll think of one. The psychologist Daniel Wegner tested this in the 1980s: pushing a thought away tends to bring it back more often, because part of your mind keeps checking whether it's gone.

What helps more is letting the thought be there without answering it. Notice it ("there's that again") and go back to what you were doing, without replaying the whole story. It'll come back. Each time you let it pass without a long conversation, it has a little less pull.

Go easy on yourself, too. A surprising amount of the time people spend thinking about an ex goes on being annoyed with themselves for still doing it. You can let that part go now.

Things to try

Give the thoughts an appointment. Pick 15 minutes later in the day. When your ex comes to mind before then, jot down a word so you don't lose it, and tell yourself you'll get to it at six. By six it often feels less urgent.

Write the message you won't send. Put in everything you never got to say, the angry parts and the grateful ones. Then delete it or tuck it away. Once it's on a page, you don't have to keep rehearsing it in your head.

Write back to yourself as a friend would. If a friend told you this story, you wouldn't think they were pathetic for missing someone. Write down what you'd tell them, and read it as if it were addressed to you. Being kind to yourself here seems to matter. David Sbarra and his colleagues recorded 109 people talking for four minutes about their divorce, and in their 2012 study, those who spoke about themselves more kindly found the divorce intruding less on their daily lives, at the time and up to nine months later.

Split what you miss into two lists: the person, and the life you had around them. The second list is often the longer one, and some of it, like the Sunday walks or the friends you saw as a couple, you can rebuild on your own.

Make the reminders something you choose. Archive the chat and move the photos into a folder you have to open on purpose. You keep everything, and you decide when you see it.

If you still see them

Contact keeps the loop open. If you work together or share children, agree on the contact you actually need, and keep it short and practical for a while.

Looking at their Instagram counts as contact. In a 2012 survey of 464 people after a breakup, the psychologist Tara Marshall found that those who kept checking their ex's Facebook page felt more distress about the breakup and more longing for their ex. If you catch yourself scrolling, add some friction: mute them and log out of the app before bed. Or ask a friend to tell you if there's ever something you really need to know.

When it's more than heartbreak

Missing someone after a breakup is normal, and it usually fades, even if it comes back in waves around birthdays or a particular song. Talk to your GP or another qualified professional if months go by and it isn't easing, or if it's getting in the way of sleep and work. If you're having thoughts of hurting yourself, or you're in danger now, call your local emergency number.

Sources

• Wegner, D. M., Schneider, D. J., Carter, S. R. and White, T. L. (1987). Paradoxical effects of thought suppression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53(1), 5-13.
• Sbarra, D. A., Smith, H. L. and Mehl, M. R. (2012). When leaving your ex, love yourself: observational ratings of self-compassion predict the course of emotional recovery following marital separation. Psychological Science, 23(3), 261-269.
• Marshall, T. C. (2012). Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners: associations with postbreakup recovery and personal growth. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 15(10), 521-526.